Angel Soft Toilet Paper, Unrolled

Here is a sloppy synopsis of my thoroughly revised novel, Nova's Gone Potty
(is it commercial mainstream? is it chick lit? I really cannot say...):

The novel opens to Nova, constipated, sitting on her futon in her studio apartment in Albuquerque, New Mexico listening to "Killer Queen," watching the news with the sound turned down. Nova sits on her toilet. Nothing happens. Nova talks to her toilet. She talks to inanimate objects often. She is a loner. She has no friends, lovers or pets. She avoids her family. It sure takes Nova by surprise when her toilet starts speaking to her in Ozzy Osbourne's voice! Nova's potty is not nearly as friendly as Ozzy, alas...unlike the Oz Meister, the potty is not a Sagittarius! The toilet was manufactured on January 13, 1999, which makes the toilet a Capricorn. Capricorns have shit to teach us. Great shit. We should pay attention.

I don't go into the sun sign of the toilet in the novel but maybe I should. I thought I was done with this novel but maybe I'm not.

Nova works at the Sex on a Stick call center. Customers call in and order fun stuff from the Sex on a Stick catalogue...vibrators, lube, ass ticklers, what have you. Nova is not a shining example of corporate marionette done good. She is always in trouble at her job and is danger of losing her job. Eventually...she does. Perry lives across the hall from Nova. Perry is a sanguine extroverted bisexual man who always smells good. They start hanging out. Nova is glad to have someone to talk to who isn't made of porcelain. Then one night Perry has an intimate little party at his studio apartment and Nova meets John. John, a Sagittarius, turns out to be the man who will rock the hell out of Nova's tiny world. Nova, consequently, is an Aquarius. I've been an Aquarius/Aquarian for 36 years so I figure I know enough about 'em to make my protagonist one. Like me, Nova is a neurotic mess. She is afraid of shiny floors and most people. She falls in love with John right away, which has always been a horrible habit of mine. They have sex within one hour of meeting each other!

I've got to wrap this up. I've got to run to Wal-Mart and buy a birthday gift for my mom. My mom is a Gemini.

When Nova gets fired from her job at Sex on a Stick she gets a job at this topless bar. The name of the topless bar eludes me right now. I've got too much stuff crammed inside my head. But it's a really clever name, one that you won't hear in the Crue's "Girls, Girls, Girls" classic. Right away Nova snags a regular which I know from experience NEVER HAPPENS. Well, maybe it happens for fake baked chicks with long platinum hair and immaculate nails and beach ball tits and abs you can eat scrambled eggs off of but it does not happen for quirky chicks like me and Nova, the thinking man's Liv Tyler! So that isn't realistic but neither is a talking toilet but hey, we're all choked and stifled by the mundane so let's have some departure! Okay, so this regular gives Nova HUNDREDS of dollars right away. He can afford it. He created this hot shit video game called Drug Deals Gone Bad. He tips the cocktail waitress a hundred bucks! WoW. Eventually, Simon (the regular) offers Nova ten thousand bucks to spend one night with him. She tells him to make it fifteen and he's got a deal!

All this time Potty is still talking and Nova is still mooning over John Boy. I didn't mention that John is the drummer for a hot Albuquerque band called Idiot Robot. To pay rent and buy drugs he works in his uncle's toy shop, Gepetto's Toyz. One night Nova drags Perry with her to the Pineapple to watch Idiot Robot. Perry is being a good friend to Nova. It's dollar daiquiri night at Retro A Go Go and Perry prefers the Pet Shop Boys and Duran Duran to Idiot Robot. After Idiot Robot plays their set Nova walks up to John inebriated off her ass, which is the only way she could approach him because he is soooo hot and he's the DRUMMER, man! I've always had a thing for drummers. I married one.

A sexy girl with big tits (they're real) is sitting on John's lap. Nova compliments the chick on her tits and proceeds with cock blocking duties. On the way to the after party at John's house the big tit chick has had enough of Nova's drunken bullshit and tells John to drop her off at the Lightning Mart. Score! Cock block successful! So Nova and John snort speed at the party (Nova is scared but she trusts John) and have some hot sex. Then they road trip to El Paso, get a room, and take a taxi across the border to Juarez. They hang out in a bar called Pinata Spill. There's a stage with a microphone on it. Nova takes the stage and sings a Billie Holiday song. John starts to love her, a little.

Okay, need to wrap this up: Nova spends the night with Simon and makes 15 grand. She moves into an adobe rent house with Perry. They're just platonic roommates. Perry has a new boyfriend named Bob. Nova and Perry have a party. John shows up. Nova reads some lyrics she's written (she wants to start an all girl band) and the lyrics piss John off and he says, "What the hell do you want from me, baby?" And Nova tells him EXACTLY what she wants because she KNOWS (it's a great thing, knowing) and then he tells her to stop making him fall in love with her and then they have sex and it's good, as always. The next day Nova, Coral, Sage and Miranda road trip to L.A. where Nova and Sage (the drummer...their band is called Mr. Customer) get tattoos and sing karaoke and go to a party that isn't really a party. I'll tell you this...Nova's Gone Potty has a happy, romantic ending. Thus, it is probably chick lit.